I wish you could order shots online.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
