even my farts smell like vagina
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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