I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
