I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
