So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
