I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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