omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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