I just saw a hot homeless man
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
