If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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