I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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