Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
