Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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