the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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