Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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