I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
