So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
