I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
