Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
