It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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