i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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