i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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