Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
