went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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