those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
