new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
