birth control should be required to get into college
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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