dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
