I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
