Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
