She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?