I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
