Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
