i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
