it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
