Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
