Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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