I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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