i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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