for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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