Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
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NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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