I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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