he puts the penis in happiness.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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