New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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