Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
