Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
