i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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