trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
