So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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