first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
