She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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