thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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