Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
