Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
